Getting Critiqued on 01

Knowing I was going in a little bold and lengthy for my submission, I needed to have someone take a peek and see what highlights were there and improvements needed to be made. Most of the things said were put into my rewrite.

“It’s good. You just need to put the screenwriter had away and use some more description and open it up a bit.”

Thankfully I got a rather lengthy critique back which helped me out enormously.  Aside from the pertinent criticism were some added comments tossed in.  Since I had permission to repost, I decided to show some of them.

“It was a bit confusing as to where she was and how much time had actually passed and what she had done in that time. I really liked it but if you can open it up some more that would make it really rock.”

Maybe the comments alone could garner interest to read the story (which I’ll add eventually).  But you have to hit the jump to see…

  • But it’s a company car! Maybe she just had an older model car, not really buying the company car for a trouble maker…
  • like a 2×4?
  • Are they fast moving get in some more description in this paragraph of the zombie folks and how they move it would be nice
  • Was she hit? It’s kind of unclear what was happening here
  • Did she leave her purse behind?
  • Bit jarring as a transition. Maybe break this up with another bit before she gets inside?
  • can you describe the room more not sure how it looks
  • Do tvs have radios in them?
  • Radio ad on the phone? Might want to hazard a guess as to how that could have happened.
  • I’m not sure where you are in the sense of the room can you describe it in more detail so I don’t feel lost?
  • Was the bar screwed in or is it the extending ones that you twist to tighten it?
  • Does she have short heels or sneakers, or nurse shoes those crocks or whatever they are. Do we know?
  • Maybe something more with her limping, we just need a chance to catch up to her now
  • A junkie nurse? Are they allowed to keep meds in the car? I broke up the paragraph here, maybe some more info on the car and what was inside would be cool.
  • That’s not a trusting company. How did she get away with all the meds in the car then?
  • She is pretty lucky! It looks like she’s the Han Solo of nurse.
  • Thankfully pandemics cut down on traffic.
  • Is she leaving the city or just driving around? Some descriptions here would be nice to get in the mood
  • Don’t forget the emergency brake!
  • Did she get out and come back? I missed that. I thought she was still in the car.
  • Wasn’t he behind the wheel? Did he drag himself out of the wreck?
  • Wouldn’t this be something she might possibly need herself?
  • Would a nurse waste meds on a patient that was going to die when she might be able to use it to save a life later in a rationing situation?
  • Was she in different places? Seems like a large amount of time has passed and it was confused in the timeline of the story here. Is she on the freeway or backroads?

I am lucky to have friends and compatriots who can tell me when I am going too crazy or when things aren’t making sense.  I’ll remember it when I’m crowded around the cornucopia come November.


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