Alpha: Chapter 18 (ending)

I don’t know about the other guys, but this is the most daunting blank piece of paper I ever had to face.

 

They say a blank piece of paper is the ultimate foe of a writer. I am not a writer, and up until now I did not have a problem filling up pages of paper with my words: thoughts, facts, and opinions. This time it’s different. It’s the end. Not only an era of sorts, but it really was the ending for many people.

 

For some, this was the walking away moment. Not all had that luxury of course. Rolling or carried by pallbearers away from where it all happened. It’s a fact. It happens in every war; conflict; policing action. Time in and time out.

 

Most of the time this sort of thing I can eventually explain away. Yes I always take things a teeny bit personally, and even more when I have some sort of involvement. This time things were much different. Maybe this is the only time I had the word “failure” in such a sentence or a moment in time. This times it’s different.

 

A failed mission is jargon of course, as is a scrubbed or aborted one. Sometimes missions fail for a reason so innocuous it makes no sense; but still technically a failure. I had a lot but to me those were mostly just things that went bad. The last thing I was ever associated with was a big failure. I feel I failed all the men who were under me or even just “along for the ride” so to speak I’ve never been so hard on myself for something.

Alpha: Chapter 17

Where to begin?

I know I begun already but this is the beginning of the end. As conflicted as I was to tell any stories or even get as personal as I did, I really don’t know. Maybe I feel safe knowing it is not my real name and my family will probably know nothing about this. In a way it’s like a diary but just, a little more like the captain’s log I guess. Even if my family read this, they still couldn’t be sure since nobody knows my full name anyway.

 

Up to this point I tried not to get too personal. Maybe I succeeded. Maybe I failed but I just didn’t realize it at the time. I decided to treat putting my story down as a path to something. Maybe it’s corny, but I never knew the right words to use to express myself most times. Maybe since my family is all private in each member’s way. Well my family and then “the clan” as known of course.

 

Honestly I am never afraid to do a task but I had fear from time to time. Maybe I was just blissfully unaware or I was so hyped up doing all of this I never stopped to look and realize where I was until the moment already passed my by, like my military service record for example.

Alpha: Chapter 16

EVERYthing happened. And there there was nothing. That’s all I wish I’d have to tell you but it would be a disservice to all of my brothers as well as me too of course. One and for all, and all of that stuff no matter who it is taking the charge.

 

We’d do a lot of joking about if they wanted to do us in they better do their homework. Maybe that was fate or it was just dumb and blind coincidence, but it was a doozy for us. Maybe it was a little too much here and there, but that’s just how we rolled- literally I mean.

 

Compared to the other patrols, we’d roll a little bigger off the books from time to time. Sometimes it was for a good reason since we’d have another extra vehicle to scare away anyone who might be planning for one scenario and then getting another. Puts a little crimp in the plan if you know what I mean. If you expect three and get four, sometimes it can be enough intimidation to retreat or it can also pop the question if the intel being sniped from a rat was lying or being deceptive. The slightest bit of doubt can shake the strongest stuff apart and I know it.

Alpha: Chapter 15

What happened the particular day was the worst day of the best time I ever had. I really can’t put a lot of it into words but I know there was a lot of bad in a mountain of good. If I stayed where I was I would be far below where I am now. Even if people might think my life is just normal, boring or average. I’m thankful for every bit of it. At least on the surface I seem normal for the most part. That’s more than some in my group ended up with.

 

This is not to say I was unharmed. There was a lot of rehabilitation and if it wasn’t for the support of my family I wouldn’t know what would have happened to me or the condition I would be in now. Things were really rough and a lot of what I had to deal with is tough to put into words to make me sound how I really felt. It might all come across badly even though I don’t mean to. A lot is just facts.

 

In some respects it would have been a lot easier to have lost a chunk from me or even lost a body part. It must sound like the weirdest thing and I probably don’t even truly mean it, but I would not have been going up such a steep hill or road. I was an unfortunate casualty of HTI.

Alpha: Chapter 14

The more information one gathers can also lead to less and less confidence in that said information. This is even more true when the information gathers to a particular moment of time. It all becomes a judgment call more than what the genuine truth is. Most often it’s an estimation given with the copious amounts of skewed facts. It can be mining or panning for gold. Scooping everything told into a tray and then sifting it down to the few shimmering nuggets which count.

 

Words and words, guesstimation and conjecture. Most battles have these details recounted but everyone has their own take. Some really believe it all or think it’s what they saw or experienced. Many will start with the truth, but add a coat on top; thinking it’s what was wanting to be heard or read by whoever. In most cases in those times of war it’s best to be completely honest since more often than not nothing needs to be hidden.

 

The most pivotal moment of the group is known no more or less as “the incident” rather than anything descriptive or symphonic to the ear. Most every man in that convoy had an obscure view of it all. Few saw, but the mind has coping mechanisms. The same way the mind tries to mask the pain of a lost love or only drawing the happy moments from a person who passed on – the same is done to shielding the mental trauma and anguish by holding on to an entire scenario; locking it away and parsing it out in minute details if anything. Later it may trickle out in the worst of times. Some toss the words battle minded or a number of other cliches to mask what it really is. Mental trauma. The brain thinks it knows best even if it doesn’t feel like it to the owner of that mind.

Chapter whatever (continued)

As promised, here’s my dump of the latest chapter.  It’s a continuation from writing I did before Nanowrimo started so it just starts.

 

The other band that took the cake with the men was a group named Pepper. Folks were so taken with that ensemble they even named a dog after the band. He was our mascot, and I’m sure everyone had something to say about about four-legged hero.

 

Pepper was one of the most unique group I ever got to here and they were a bunch of guys who sounded like they were having a great time with whatever they were doing, wherever they happened to be.

 

I’m sure it was Overthrill who knew them first since they had a bravado I knew spoke well to him. They were a new generation of surfing music even though they fell as a whole in that white boy rapper kind of category. It was pretty rough in the lyrics and a lot of the sound quality, but I just went with the flow since they were such a crowd pleaser. As many lyrics as each song had, the guys seemed to know them all.

 

From what I remember these guys were from the Kona island of Hawaii (or ha – va – ee as they seemed to pronounce it). It was sort of Eminem singing to a stack of Beach Boys albums. Not exactly, but somewhere in the ballpark. For a generation of music I wasn’t too thrilled with, these guys sure were catchy. Maybe it was from the rhythms or the fast pace or non violent rap style. Or just how rare it was to see my men having a fun time on base totally having an outer body experience from their troubles and any petty feelings from cramped with a bunch of people there was no choice to be apart from. The whole roomie syndrome where the luster always wears off. Instead, they can have whatever squabble hours earlier but then end up having a good old time word for word with the Pepper group. No complaints from the masses. A good thing.

Writing Revelations (& goals?)

Some writing revelations came to me while working on my Restless submission.

I decided to split my NaNo ’09 novel in half.  This means everything intended to be my story at the beginning of NaNo ’09 won’t be the novel at all.  Guess I really took my vow seriously do to make the soldiers proud (I’ll just call this person “B” to keep anonymity).  Aware or not, this person was one of the few to shape this novel. This means at least two things:

1) I am most likely changing the title of the novel.

2) NaNo ’10 might be the continuation of the story- if enough interest and feedback.  And it’s a good backup plan if I don’t have any inspiration for a new novel.

During this time I also have this epic idea for adapting a book into a screenplay.  It’s out of print and costs in the triple digits to score a copy.  And no: it’s not the Roadracers book I’ve been trying to get an authentic copy of.  Think more Old Yeller meets Band of Brothers.  [Not really, but it make a compelling cliffhanger].

Restless #1 update

I finally got some word back from the zine.  I still don’t know if it will be used or not, but I do know they have it in their possession and also received my “updated” bio.

[The first bio was created by the Restless team since I had a too-short window to send mine in.  Though I loved what was said of me, this one is a tad truer.]

In the last “EVal” meeting I discovered the date of the zine deadline was pushed, so I guess I could have worked longer on the submission.

Chasing Alpha: Chapter Eleven

There is no way to devote space to every person. Every person contributed in their own way or put their own effort: all of it shaping our division into what it became. The group was a legend of its own kind, and no contribution was ever seen as minor. Every single man and woman who served in the division we have shaped it bit by little bit. All who served through this period of war, will shape our group to come. Someone is usually there to pass down the tales: just as a senior class or professor passes down tales of the previous year to the freshmen. It is how new heroes are formed and others fade away gently into the night- or at least have the roughened edges smoothed out to perfection depending on who tells the tale next.

For each who survived the incident in the group, at least one other is part of the group’s history. Funny as it seemed, some of the most integral to the post-incident group who were discharged was never a part of their secondary lifestyle. But as ripples from a stone make vast ripples in a lake, so was one of those men.

Some said his name was Gavin. It is best to keep it as a moment of question. He wasn’t even from our country originally but his contributions to the team in the East and stateside were beyond question; even though he never attempted to do so. The best kind of genius is by accident, a man had once anonymously said. In more ways than one, this man did want to stay anonymous; this ‘man of the hour’ to tell the story of.

Chasing Alpha: Chapter 10

Chasing Alpha – Chapter TEN

There were many people I give a push in the right direction. Some a much welcomed pushed while a few got a last encouraging shove from me before they ended “shoved” elsewhere and in a much less desired situation. I do my best to get a better idea of who then people are under my command. It’s a trait of mine which helped me do my job much easier and get things much smoother than the average commander. At least on the front of in front and behind one’s back. I say we all know some about all of the men. And a few give all. But there’s the outliers too; those who are few and little to none is known from anyone about those types. One of them I had the pleasure of knowing went eventually by the moniker of Ubu. A friend to all and a lover of dramatics for the sake of comedy, he always had a way to keep mutual friendship at bay.

The most genius are said to teeter on the brink of insanity. This guy seemed to be an expert at appearances, and had most of his superiors to stick him into some sort of fifty one fifty regiment. That’s slang for something involving anything related to suspecting someone is crazy or at least not firing on all cylinders. Time and time again the subject passed any examination. I think the exams were legit in my mind. People just had a hard time pegging what exactly to do with the guy. I felt a bit bad for him at first until I figured out how it seemed to be Ubu liked all the ado about him. Whether anyone knows it or not, it’s my accomplishment or responsibility for how the young man came to serve under me. Seemed I was chilling in the officer club, cliche as it sounded..  And I heard one of the people at the bar grumbling about a guy he would rather not be stuck with under his command. I am joked about as a soft touch anyway, so I happened upon them and asked what there was so much trouble about. They thought they were unloading a ripe one on me and putting one over, but I was the one who  caught enough info to hear I wanted to put my nose into their business.

Chasing Alpha: Chapter Nine

Chasing Alpha – Chapter NINE

There are a few people who I remember very well outside of our team. Ones who weren’t part of the five of us. Until then, I want to go back a little further. I told about why I signed up and my family, but I wasn’t sure if I painted my family in the best light. I am not taking back how I felt at all, but I also wanted to tell a story I was not sure where else to fit. It’s about my family. My dad and my grandfather to be more exact. Part of it shows a different side since it wasn’t always the fact memorable moments came from disobedience or firearms. It also helps show more insight about the way I felt before I joined. That thin camouflage line I called the velvet rope of the family.

One of the better things about being in the family was at least I never had that weird moment of my parents or some kin member trying to talk me out of enlisting or anything like that. The funny thing was how maybe they didn’t expect to even join since I abstained from talking about most of it. Problem really wasn’t I didn’t want to enlist but no matter what I chose would have probably had someone else try to convince me to switch to another branch or even to drop out if that’s where I was planning to go. I have an uncanny way to know my family. Maybe I am one of the few who is so observant within the clan.

Chasing Alpha: Chapter Eight

Chasing Alpha – Chapter EIGHT

Oh geeze and Louise, where to start. Looking back I knew a lot of people. A LOT really. But I maybe never did get to really know anyone too awfully well. Because that’s the thing. Sometimes the more you know someone, the more awful they can be. That’s the little play on words. But that’s how living together makes people start hating each other. A little distance and mystery can go a long way for me. Not that I was really a play favorites type of guy. I was just there do my thing and tell it like it T I is when my opinion was called upon. I knew the way the chain worked. Life on a chain, and I respect it. Because I would want the same respect. I may have a big mouth, I know it, but I also wasn’t the one to mouth off. I wasn’t into the grab of power. I saw stuff like that happen even just in games and it was very uncool.

I played a lot of games when I probably shouldn’t have. But I also maybe shouldn’t have. It was in private. I had an older brother and, well he and I did not get along too well all the time. And I used to sneak and play games but he never knew about it. We’d even play each other but he was never one the wiser. Or else I’m sure I would have caught the wind of hurt. He was older by a few so even if he wasn’t as tough now as I am, he could have still given me enough of a pounding.

I am not a guy who knew a lot of the tech stuff. I am kind of against technology in some ways. I am into the tangible. It’s the right word from language arts class. Thinking of a tangerine is the trick. A tangerine is tangible. It’s able to be held, smelled, eaten. Physical. I like my life as tangible as possible. A gun is tangible. The little friendlies it sends out after a target. Hot lead is tangible. It slices through you and it’s like touching the glass on the front of grandma’s oven. It’s white and blinding for the receiver. No fun.

Chasing Alpha: Chapter Seven

Chasing Alpha – Chapter SEVEN

Most of what I remembered when I  was in was very pathetic. I had to keep my nose in a book since I wanted what I was doing very badly. Part of it really did identify with what I wanted but also it was funny to think being in a group who wants to help people also keeps you away from the same people you want to help out at the same time. It’s a double edged sword or a paradox. One of those things.

For me, I really had to justify what I wanted and to enlist. I guess a lot of people think you are a little nuts or overly patriotic in order to help your country to that extent. An extreme one most may think I guess. Doesn’t bother me honestly, but it’s good to sometimes keep a strong defense.

There wasn’t a lot I really knew about the ins and outs. Guess I had about the same amount of knowledge as a private citizen as most all the other P.C.s who weren’t service families or hosts would. It’s almost like a Mafia in some ways. It’s a whole separate entity with its jargon and protocol, command chain and strictness I guess. But it can be like any job. This one is just the one job people are usually talking you out of rather than glad you got that promotion or have a decent salary. Trust me, benefits are great and a decent enough vacation days when it’s peace time that is. There are a lot of X the unknown factor in it, but any job really can when you think of it. Worry of keeping the job, upsetting the boss, getting a bum assignment, that raise all were bucking for not coming through. Things can be stuffed with drama whatever it can be. Even in a game, not just life as it’s known.